Looking Foolish 7-15-23

Not everyone is good at looking like a fool. I’m really good at that. I strive and put my stuff up for people to see. I put my crap up for people to see also. I’ve been that way a long time. I’m thinking of art school when I was 47 and most of the students were 19. As an illustration student I had a lot to say in my figure drawings and designs, and once I received the “Audience Choice Award” in a class when I had drawn a skeleton on newsprint in charcoal and I’d given it shadows like a person dancing and it looked pretty cool. I was surprised to be appreciated by this young group. And why is it I put myself out there? Like when I was doing temp work on the streets of downtown Seattle handing out surveys and asking people to participate and there was a good percentage of passersby telling me, “no.” Why wasn’t I at a desk, minding my own self-respect?

I’ve also put myself out there to sing – I’ve sung for years, sometimes in front of people, attempting to get good at singing. Once I dressed up as Mary Poppins at a talent show in a church and walked around the aisles singing “A Spoonful of Sugar.” Kids were jumping up and down on the pews. That was years ago but lately I am singing at the local open mic or I did a few months ago and I felt a cohesion with the audience. I’m getting more comfortable doing the thing that is a little scary and feel like I am turning a corner.

I want to admit that the real reason I put myself out there is that I have something to say. Like a Princess who forever must try to be the Queen, or a Princess trying not to be a little mouse in front of the fireplace scurrying around looking for morsels and at any time may be swatted by a broom. This Princess/Mouse is always searching, hoping that someone is going to be listening.

I looked for my singing voice for a long time and found that it was a deep contralto tenor voice, not a soprano which I had been trained in. Who would have thought? What I like to do in all of this searching is enjoy being me, seeing where it goes. Seeing where the drawing and painting go, where the writing goes. Transforming into iridescent shimmer that no one is used to seeing and so I’m not recognized, even to myself. But this Princess eventually is putting one toe forward, wearing a groovy sandal and taking one more step into the cinematic unknown, knowing that today is the day I’ll be seen and heard.